Okay so I'm in desperate need of other people's thoughts here, and I thought someone on these forums might take the time to read this ridiculously long message, since everyone here is so supportive.
Unfortunately, you’ll have to bear with my EXTREMELY long back-story first, sorry haha. Alright well here it goes…
So my ex-boyfriend and I were together for 2 years, the majority of it was long distance, but we lived very close to each other for about 4 months towards the end of the relationship. We’re extremely compatible in many ways, and have a set of qualities that would be very difficult to find in another person, let alone someone that there is such chemistry with, as was the case with us. There were very few things we disagreed about, and when things were good, they were bliss. We had always said that we saw each other in our futures, but we’re both very outspoken and “passionate” and that ended up causing too much stress. So unfortunately, a few months ago, we started fighting a lot and were separated by distance again (stressful). He broke up with me due to the fighting. It was a surprise to me, but I did agree that we had been fighting too much and that it was for the best. The break-up was about 3 months ago.
Now, during the break, I went over everything in my head (we were no contact the entire time). I realized that we were both very immature and quick to anger over stupid things, hence all the fights. I realized that he didn’t appreciate me as much as he should have sometimes and occasionally was a jerk, but I also realized that I was probably pretty annoying sometimes myself. Overall, I handled the break-up pretty well. I had days that really sucked, but I made some really positive changes that everyone says you should make. I got closer to friends and family, started working out more frequently, improved my appearance, etc. Another major thing is that I was truly happy and optimistic for the first time in years and years (since before the ex and I got together), although I don’t think this had anything to do with me not being with this guy anymore—it was something I had been working on for a long time and finally just clicked for me.
So anyway I got to the point where I casually dated someone for a few weeks (although things didn’t pan out). I still thought about the ex but I had come to terms with things having ended. Out of the blue, he contacted me and wanted to catch up. We had a nice chat on the phone about our lives now, which are both going very well. He admitted to me that he treated me unfairly a lot of the time (true) and he apologized for everything and hurting me, etc. We both conceded our immaturity and revealed our new outlooks on life. So long story short, the next day he says that he misses me, and would like to be with me again. He said he would be willing to do whatever it takes. It’s what everyone on this board wants to hear from their ex and I heard it. There was no begging involved, but it was a genuine conversation. He said that he thinks we’re soulmates, and he wouldn’t be trying to get me back in the middle of college, when things were long distance if he didn’t mean it. He wants to try again. I explained that things could work if we’re totally open and honest and can improve some things about our past relationship. The thing is, I could definitely see myself being with him in the long-term, as long as I was treated right this time around and we both made some changes to improve our communication (and he agrees with this statement).
Now because it’s only been 3 months since the break-up, I have some concerns. I’m worried that he hasn’t really changed and that we’ll end up in the exact spot we were when we broke up last time. I’ve heard the stereotype that guys never change, and that they’ll say anything for the short-term pleasure of something. I made some major changes in my life in that short time, though, so on some levels I don’t have any reason to deny that he might have as well. In fact, we have spoken fairly frequently since our first talk, and the way we handle certain things is different in many ways. We’re both more easygoing and understanding. And the trust level between us has skyrocketed.
As another concern, I’m also not sure if he’s just using me as a safety net because I was his first love (although he wasn’t mine) and I’ve heard that the first is the hardest to get over (which was the case with my first love). Not that he’s PURPOSELY using me as a net, but just that he wants someone there and I’m what he’s used to. Although the argument against that is that him being with me is, in fact, the more difficult option for him. He’s a very attractive guy at a college about 2000 miles away from mine. I can’t imagine he would have any trouble finding a girl, and I think it could say something that he’s willing to work on such a long-distance relationship during college years when it would be easier to be single. But that idea of me being a safety net is still in the back of my mind (because, selfishly, I used my first love as a safety net after the break-up with my first love).
My friends also have been adamant about not getting back together with him (although they’re unaware of our continuing conversations) because I kind of painted him out to be an asshole and myself an angel after the break-up (while he was occasionally an asshole, I was also not the easiest person to get along with). None of my friends have ever met him in person due to the long-distance nature of the relationship, so they only have my biased, post-breakup perspective on him. Many of them have been through break-ups where they got back together with an ex unsuccessfully, with the ex saying they’ve changed when it turned out that they hadn’t, so they’re positive that this would be the case here as well. I’m not so sure that’s true, but then again it is a concern of mine. What are the odds this could really work out this time? That we really are both different people only 3 months later and could make it work?
I’ve made it clear that I would not allow a third chance if I were to be hurt again, and we’re both willing to take this very seriously. He knows that I expect that he make things up to me/prove himself, but I’ve also forgiven him for the past (and did awhile ago). We plan to move slowly, too. We’re both a little scared of the future here, but also excited. Overall I just would like other people’s thoughts on the situation. Could he have changed and keep the changes so soon? Am I being stupid and naïve in thinking that this could work out? I’m so sorry for how long this is haha.
Thank you in advance for any responses!
Unfortunately, you’ll have to bear with my EXTREMELY long back-story first, sorry haha. Alright well here it goes…
So my ex-boyfriend and I were together for 2 years, the majority of it was long distance, but we lived very close to each other for about 4 months towards the end of the relationship. We’re extremely compatible in many ways, and have a set of qualities that would be very difficult to find in another person, let alone someone that there is such chemistry with, as was the case with us. There were very few things we disagreed about, and when things were good, they were bliss. We had always said that we saw each other in our futures, but we’re both very outspoken and “passionate” and that ended up causing too much stress. So unfortunately, a few months ago, we started fighting a lot and were separated by distance again (stressful). He broke up with me due to the fighting. It was a surprise to me, but I did agree that we had been fighting too much and that it was for the best. The break-up was about 3 months ago.
Now, during the break, I went over everything in my head (we were no contact the entire time). I realized that we were both very immature and quick to anger over stupid things, hence all the fights. I realized that he didn’t appreciate me as much as he should have sometimes and occasionally was a jerk, but I also realized that I was probably pretty annoying sometimes myself. Overall, I handled the break-up pretty well. I had days that really sucked, but I made some really positive changes that everyone says you should make. I got closer to friends and family, started working out more frequently, improved my appearance, etc. Another major thing is that I was truly happy and optimistic for the first time in years and years (since before the ex and I got together), although I don’t think this had anything to do with me not being with this guy anymore—it was something I had been working on for a long time and finally just clicked for me.
So anyway I got to the point where I casually dated someone for a few weeks (although things didn’t pan out). I still thought about the ex but I had come to terms with things having ended. Out of the blue, he contacted me and wanted to catch up. We had a nice chat on the phone about our lives now, which are both going very well. He admitted to me that he treated me unfairly a lot of the time (true) and he apologized for everything and hurting me, etc. We both conceded our immaturity and revealed our new outlooks on life. So long story short, the next day he says that he misses me, and would like to be with me again. He said he would be willing to do whatever it takes. It’s what everyone on this board wants to hear from their ex and I heard it. There was no begging involved, but it was a genuine conversation. He said that he thinks we’re soulmates, and he wouldn’t be trying to get me back in the middle of college, when things were long distance if he didn’t mean it. He wants to try again. I explained that things could work if we’re totally open and honest and can improve some things about our past relationship. The thing is, I could definitely see myself being with him in the long-term, as long as I was treated right this time around and we both made some changes to improve our communication (and he agrees with this statement).
Now because it’s only been 3 months since the break-up, I have some concerns. I’m worried that he hasn’t really changed and that we’ll end up in the exact spot we were when we broke up last time. I’ve heard the stereotype that guys never change, and that they’ll say anything for the short-term pleasure of something. I made some major changes in my life in that short time, though, so on some levels I don’t have any reason to deny that he might have as well. In fact, we have spoken fairly frequently since our first talk, and the way we handle certain things is different in many ways. We’re both more easygoing and understanding. And the trust level between us has skyrocketed.
As another concern, I’m also not sure if he’s just using me as a safety net because I was his first love (although he wasn’t mine) and I’ve heard that the first is the hardest to get over (which was the case with my first love). Not that he’s PURPOSELY using me as a net, but just that he wants someone there and I’m what he’s used to. Although the argument against that is that him being with me is, in fact, the more difficult option for him. He’s a very attractive guy at a college about 2000 miles away from mine. I can’t imagine he would have any trouble finding a girl, and I think it could say something that he’s willing to work on such a long-distance relationship during college years when it would be easier to be single. But that idea of me being a safety net is still in the back of my mind (because, selfishly, I used my first love as a safety net after the break-up with my first love).
My friends also have been adamant about not getting back together with him (although they’re unaware of our continuing conversations) because I kind of painted him out to be an asshole and myself an angel after the break-up (while he was occasionally an asshole, I was also not the easiest person to get along with). None of my friends have ever met him in person due to the long-distance nature of the relationship, so they only have my biased, post-breakup perspective on him. Many of them have been through break-ups where they got back together with an ex unsuccessfully, with the ex saying they’ve changed when it turned out that they hadn’t, so they’re positive that this would be the case here as well. I’m not so sure that’s true, but then again it is a concern of mine. What are the odds this could really work out this time? That we really are both different people only 3 months later and could make it work?
I’ve made it clear that I would not allow a third chance if I were to be hurt again, and we’re both willing to take this very seriously. He knows that I expect that he make things up to me/prove himself, but I’ve also forgiven him for the past (and did awhile ago). We plan to move slowly, too. We’re both a little scared of the future here, but also excited. Overall I just would like other people’s thoughts on the situation. Could he have changed and keep the changes so soon? Am I being stupid and naïve in thinking that this could work out? I’m so sorry for how long this is haha.
Thank you in advance for any responses!
