electric_violinist
New Member
Greetings people.
If you were gonna read this, it's gonna be a pretty long post. I haven't been here for awhile, simply because I have started to losing hope with Noogleberry, it just won't work for me - temporarily, it did a few times, but for the long run? i don't know anymore, i think it won't.
These days, I have been so anxious, and excited at the same time. It has been almost a year, and finally, I am going to meet my long-distant boyfriend for the first time (around the first or second week of this June). I feel like talking to someone about these stuffs, but unfortunately, I know I can't talk these kinds of 'stuffs' with my best-friends, then I thought of Noogleberry forum - how supportive the members have been to each other.
Even if I couldn't find any solutions, still, I feel like pouring out my thoughts and feelings, and knew it will be 'heard' by someone, or anyone here. :-[
So, here how it goes.
I hate to admit it, but, I am losing confidence in myself more and more each day - it is like there's nothing of my body that I feel attractive and confident of, and it affects me and my relationship GREATLY.
I am a mixed Asian girl, 24-year old, studying abroad and going to graduate next year as a doctor, hopefully. When I feel low, I try to search some 'good qualities' in me and motivate myself about it, but then, I will feel low again - the cycle goes on and on.
I think it's weird to say good stuffs about myself, but people often compliment me for my humorous and friendly personality in the real life, and how they like my natural smile and my not-small-not-big eyes. And I am just an average student, haven't been getting good marks for these past years - but I can say I do have a piece of 'brain'. In summary, these are the few things I can say I am happy to be me - humorous, my smile and eyes, and a piece of brain (though not much :-[ ).
When I look at other women, I often think how lucky they are - they could be somewhat overweight but still have a nice proportionate curve, voluminous long black hair, big eyes, golden skin, and most importantly - how confident they are with themselves!
I am 157cm, my weight was 47kg, and it has been year, slowly I have been putting on weight due to stress and everything. The scale is broken and I haven't weighed myself for many months now, I assume it's now around 52-54kg. My body is 33'' - 28'' - 38.5'' (it was 33 - 27 - 37), I think it is obvious I am 'pear-shaped'.
I used to hate my small boobs and big butt. But then, one day I thought, realistically, there's not much I could do for my boobs (creams and NB don't seem to fit me that well, and surgery is totally out of question), I have to accept them as they've always been, and hopefully, with time, I could accept it whole-heartedly and not just pretending to myself.
As for my big butt, some of my skinny friends said I'm lucky to have big butt as guys like bigger butt (thanks to them :
), I gained a bit confidence there, and I thought - well, I could lift up and tone my butt with exercises (and it shows good realistic result, not like boobs, maybe my butt could be my 'secret weapon', lol). So, for these past weeks, I have doing exercises again like crazy, not merely to lose a few kg, but also, to tone up my butt and thigh better. BUT, one thing that's still bothersome to me is, the cellulites on my butt :'( It's very frustrating really, when I thought I could find an alternative for my 'sex appeal', it got something that made it less attractive.
My heaviest weight was 65kg when I was 12, and I remember I have been having cellulites since I was a kid (I don't know if it was genetic, or simply because I was overweight back then, as I don't see my sisters nor mum have it, not to mention they have biggg boobs ).
So, I thought, well, maybe boobs and butt aren't my things, I still have one 'sex asset' left - my pussy/ labia/ vagina (I am sorry, I don't know what the word to use ). But, here's another frustrating thing, my skin in general is somewhat yellowish brown? olive? not white nor black, somewhere in between. The lucky thing about having very fair or ebony skins, they dont have to worry much about unintentional sun-tanning (if fair people got tanned, they might get reddish or somewhat bronze, beautiful, really; and for ebony skin, they won't get any skin changes at all, and I am always amazed how glowy their skins are). I love my olive skin colour honestly, just fine for me; but when I got tanned unintentionally under the sun, especially it is summer now, it won't turn into amazing bronze, it would be dull dark brown like scars - wearing sunscreen has been a habit for me, recently i changed from SPF 50++ to SPF 100+. When summer comes, I always feel like a 'zebra' - dull darker face and arm, and yellowish body. And my vagina, err, I don't know if it is because of my natural brown skin, but my intimate area is pretty black :-[ , I have been trying to scrub more often now, and put some bleaching cream, it seems to work, but i don't know if one day it could really be the same colour as the rest of my body.
I feel so doomed really, how could I possibly feel sexually attractive with small boobs, big butts with hideous cellulites all over it and dark vagina? :'(
I know some people will say 'sexual appeal' is more than just boobs, butt and vagina. Different people have different views of themselves, and that's understandable. I am not trying to be perfect - I just want to strive to be the best I could, and be confident inside, so it could show the confidence on the outside too. Often people will say, if he loved me, he would accept me the way I am. But, the matter isn't really how he looks at me (well, thats important too), but how could I look at myself positively? At these moment, I don't really love myself because of these issues, and when I don't love myself and no confidence, how could I be confident sexually if I couldn't feel I am sexually attractive in the inside? and I always got paranoid and don't trust others could love me because I feel ugly. I become suspicious and jealous so easily.
About my relationship, it's really unplanned :, he was the one that founded me on a penpal website, then we got to know each other right away. He's around 30, and he was certain of getting serious with me from the very beginning. To make long story short, it hasn't been a smooth relationship, and I notice, most of the times, it was because of my low self-esteem about myself.
I admit, he is a very very handsome, Caucasian, tall, muscular, good work, good family - and I still couldn't believe, why would someone as perfect as him (at least, from the 'physical aspects') want to choose me as his wife-to-be? I know he was a very social guy in the past, and obviously he wants to start settling down now and having a family, and he once told me, he thought i am 'beautiful, very well educated, religious' (well, not that very religious, i was/am a social girl too, just not that much anymore :-[). And when someone said I am beautiful, I honestly couldn't believe it.
So, now, at this moment, I am hating my body, and worse, when I got in a relationship with him - I feel so inferior! He never said it though, but I feel inferior on my own. I feel shy sending my 'sexy' pictures to him, no matter how he complimented it. I know he's a very popular guy among the girls, and some girls are still after him. Even if he didn't reply him, they would still show their interests on him - even he got flirtatious/ friendly sometimes with them, I don't want to blame him for that, because I know it's not that easy to let go of one's past and habits, especially the bad ones. But what made me feel low, those girls are so sexy beautiful and amazing , with big boobs and great skin :'( Deep inside I found I keep comparing myself with them - the sexy girls, and the nerdy ugly me :'(
From this low-self esteem (and some trust issues due to some of his acts), our relationship has been very bumpy. Still, I love him dearly despite I feel hurt most of the times (due to some other things), and finally i am determined to see him next month. I want to save our relationship, I need to get out from this 'low self esteem and depression', I need to talk with him face-to-face, spend some time with him as normal couples do. This meeting is a VERY important one, he still said he love me and i do too - but we will talk seriously, to continue and work it out better, or end it. I want him to see me in the real life, how beautiful and ugly I am (because I know sometimes pictures and webcams can be misleading though we didnt intend to).
And I have this thought, if we chose to end (for some other reasons), I want him to have a good image of me as a memory. And if we chose to continue, I know for sure, we would get physically intimate. As shallow as it might be to some people, I know he likes being naughty :-[ , and I like it too, it is just that.. I feel like I don't have any sexual appeals at all. I love wearing sexy lingerie and be playfully teasing with him, but when looking at my body beneath that lingerie on the mirror, all of a sudden, I feel no confidence at all. And thinking of this, I feel so anxious, that sometimes I couldn't sleep because my heart beats so fast at night - either out of excitement, or anxiety, I don't know, :-\ .
That is it i guess. I don't even know what advices I am seeking for actually? These are the things that have been on my mind. As for these passing days, I will keep on working out my butt, and taking care of my skin better, hmm.
If you have been reading each and every word till this point, you have my utmost gratitude. Thanks for 'listening'. :-[ May God bless you in whatever journey or struggles you're going through now.
Love,
EV.
If you were gonna read this, it's gonna be a pretty long post. I haven't been here for awhile, simply because I have started to losing hope with Noogleberry, it just won't work for me - temporarily, it did a few times, but for the long run? i don't know anymore, i think it won't.
These days, I have been so anxious, and excited at the same time. It has been almost a year, and finally, I am going to meet my long-distant boyfriend for the first time (around the first or second week of this June). I feel like talking to someone about these stuffs, but unfortunately, I know I can't talk these kinds of 'stuffs' with my best-friends, then I thought of Noogleberry forum - how supportive the members have been to each other.
Even if I couldn't find any solutions, still, I feel like pouring out my thoughts and feelings, and knew it will be 'heard' by someone, or anyone here. :-[
So, here how it goes.
I hate to admit it, but, I am losing confidence in myself more and more each day - it is like there's nothing of my body that I feel attractive and confident of, and it affects me and my relationship GREATLY.
I am a mixed Asian girl, 24-year old, studying abroad and going to graduate next year as a doctor, hopefully. When I feel low, I try to search some 'good qualities' in me and motivate myself about it, but then, I will feel low again - the cycle goes on and on.
I think it's weird to say good stuffs about myself, but people often compliment me for my humorous and friendly personality in the real life, and how they like my natural smile and my not-small-not-big eyes. And I am just an average student, haven't been getting good marks for these past years - but I can say I do have a piece of 'brain'. In summary, these are the few things I can say I am happy to be me - humorous, my smile and eyes, and a piece of brain (though not much :-[ ).
When I look at other women, I often think how lucky they are - they could be somewhat overweight but still have a nice proportionate curve, voluminous long black hair, big eyes, golden skin, and most importantly - how confident they are with themselves!
I am 157cm, my weight was 47kg, and it has been year, slowly I have been putting on weight due to stress and everything. The scale is broken and I haven't weighed myself for many months now, I assume it's now around 52-54kg. My body is 33'' - 28'' - 38.5'' (it was 33 - 27 - 37), I think it is obvious I am 'pear-shaped'.
I used to hate my small boobs and big butt. But then, one day I thought, realistically, there's not much I could do for my boobs (creams and NB don't seem to fit me that well, and surgery is totally out of question), I have to accept them as they've always been, and hopefully, with time, I could accept it whole-heartedly and not just pretending to myself.
As for my big butt, some of my skinny friends said I'm lucky to have big butt as guys like bigger butt (thanks to them :
), I gained a bit confidence there, and I thought - well, I could lift up and tone my butt with exercises (and it shows good realistic result, not like boobs, maybe my butt could be my 'secret weapon', lol). So, for these past weeks, I have doing exercises again like crazy, not merely to lose a few kg, but also, to tone up my butt and thigh better. BUT, one thing that's still bothersome to me is, the cellulites on my butt :'( It's very frustrating really, when I thought I could find an alternative for my 'sex appeal', it got something that made it less attractive. My heaviest weight was 65kg when I was 12, and I remember I have been having cellulites since I was a kid (I don't know if it was genetic, or simply because I was overweight back then, as I don't see my sisters nor mum have it, not to mention they have biggg boobs ).
So, I thought, well, maybe boobs and butt aren't my things, I still have one 'sex asset' left - my pussy/ labia/ vagina (I am sorry, I don't know what the word to use ). But, here's another frustrating thing, my skin in general is somewhat yellowish brown? olive? not white nor black, somewhere in between. The lucky thing about having very fair or ebony skins, they dont have to worry much about unintentional sun-tanning (if fair people got tanned, they might get reddish or somewhat bronze, beautiful, really; and for ebony skin, they won't get any skin changes at all, and I am always amazed how glowy their skins are). I love my olive skin colour honestly, just fine for me; but when I got tanned unintentionally under the sun, especially it is summer now, it won't turn into amazing bronze, it would be dull dark brown like scars - wearing sunscreen has been a habit for me, recently i changed from SPF 50++ to SPF 100+. When summer comes, I always feel like a 'zebra' - dull darker face and arm, and yellowish body. And my vagina, err, I don't know if it is because of my natural brown skin, but my intimate area is pretty black :-[ , I have been trying to scrub more often now, and put some bleaching cream, it seems to work, but i don't know if one day it could really be the same colour as the rest of my body.
I feel so doomed really, how could I possibly feel sexually attractive with small boobs, big butts with hideous cellulites all over it and dark vagina? :'(
I know some people will say 'sexual appeal' is more than just boobs, butt and vagina. Different people have different views of themselves, and that's understandable. I am not trying to be perfect - I just want to strive to be the best I could, and be confident inside, so it could show the confidence on the outside too. Often people will say, if he loved me, he would accept me the way I am. But, the matter isn't really how he looks at me (well, thats important too), but how could I look at myself positively? At these moment, I don't really love myself because of these issues, and when I don't love myself and no confidence, how could I be confident sexually if I couldn't feel I am sexually attractive in the inside? and I always got paranoid and don't trust others could love me because I feel ugly. I become suspicious and jealous so easily.
About my relationship, it's really unplanned :
, he was the one that founded me on a penpal website, then we got to know each other right away. He's around 30, and he was certain of getting serious with me from the very beginning. To make long story short, it hasn't been a smooth relationship, and I notice, most of the times, it was because of my low self-esteem about myself.I admit, he is a very very handsome, Caucasian, tall, muscular, good work, good family - and I still couldn't believe, why would someone as perfect as him (at least, from the 'physical aspects') want to choose me as his wife-to-be? I know he was a very social guy in the past, and obviously he wants to start settling down now and having a family, and he once told me, he thought i am 'beautiful, very well educated, religious' (well, not that very religious, i was/am a social girl too, just not that much anymore :-[). And when someone said I am beautiful, I honestly couldn't believe it.
So, now, at this moment, I am hating my body, and worse, when I got in a relationship with him - I feel so inferior! He never said it though, but I feel inferior on my own. I feel shy sending my 'sexy' pictures to him, no matter how he complimented it. I know he's a very popular guy among the girls, and some girls are still after him. Even if he didn't reply him, they would still show their interests on him - even he got flirtatious/ friendly sometimes with them, I don't want to blame him for that, because I know it's not that easy to let go of one's past and habits, especially the bad ones. But what made me feel low, those girls are so sexy beautiful and amazing , with big boobs and great skin :'( Deep inside I found I keep comparing myself with them - the sexy girls, and the nerdy ugly me :'(
From this low-self esteem (and some trust issues due to some of his acts), our relationship has been very bumpy. Still, I love him dearly despite I feel hurt most of the times (due to some other things), and finally i am determined to see him next month. I want to save our relationship, I need to get out from this 'low self esteem and depression', I need to talk with him face-to-face, spend some time with him as normal couples do. This meeting is a VERY important one, he still said he love me and i do too - but we will talk seriously, to continue and work it out better, or end it. I want him to see me in the real life, how beautiful and ugly I am (because I know sometimes pictures and webcams can be misleading though we didnt intend to).
And I have this thought, if we chose to end (for some other reasons), I want him to have a good image of me as a memory. And if we chose to continue, I know for sure, we would get physically intimate. As shallow as it might be to some people, I know he likes being naughty :-[ , and I like it too, it is just that.. I feel like I don't have any sexual appeals at all. I love wearing sexy lingerie and be playfully teasing with him, but when looking at my body beneath that lingerie on the mirror, all of a sudden, I feel no confidence at all. And thinking of this, I feel so anxious, that sometimes I couldn't sleep because my heart beats so fast at night - either out of excitement, or anxiety, I don't know, :-\ .
That is it i guess. I don't even know what advices I am seeking for actually? These are the things that have been on my mind. As for these passing days, I will keep on working out my butt, and taking care of my skin better, hmm.
If you have been reading each and every word till this point, you have my utmost gratitude. Thanks for 'listening'. :-[ May God bless you in whatever journey or struggles you're going through now.
Love,
EV.
