Relationship Help

[hopefulgal]

Hi all, so this is really off subject for noogling, but I need help. About a year and a half ago I found my husband sending flirtatious messages to a girl, I say girl because she's a good 13 years younger than him. They were very suggestive and he was building her up a lot, telling her how she makes everyday beautiful and how much he wants to get his hands on her, among other things. I found at by snooping. So I didn't tell him. We did have a huge fight anyway, I was so angry and I hinte at what I was mad about, thinking he'd realize. Well for a long time he was good as far as I know. Now I've found that he has her cell number. He texts her during the work day im sure and deletes the messages before he comes home. He also has a few picture s of her, not sexual, saves on his phone. I am so pissed. I dont thinkknow he has really cheated on me yet. Iys bothering me a lot that he flirts so strongly behind my back, and talks to this girl behind my back. Is this harmless flirting, and am I too jealous? Does everyone do this? Its driving me crazy.

 

[midbackn2013]

Absolutely no flirting is harmless if you are in a relationship. If he is your husband, that's just unexceptable. Flirting with someone else will always put a relationship and someone's feelings in detriment in my opinion.

To answer your question, NO, you are NOT too jealous. You have every right to be mad. Your husband who vowed to be faithful to you is saying and doing God knows what behind your back. I'd be PISSED too!! I would have brought this thing to the surface long ago.

No, not everyone does this. There are many men out there that KNOW not to do these kinds of things, as they know the result of it.


Regardless, if you're in a relationship, the only person you should EVER be flirting with is your significant other. Point blank.

 

[lexuswoman]

TiredofBeingFlat,

So well, said, you are wise beyond your years!

 

[hopefulgal]

Thanks a lot for your response on this Tiredofbeingflat. I really appreciate your opinion, it is pretty well how I feel about this. Problem is I am afraid to directly confront him. He would be so pissed I'm afraid he might leave me if he knew I check on him. Other problem is what he is doing is wrong, and he does not in any way think so. Sometimes when I know for sure he's been chatting with her, I get in a bad mood, and hope he will pick up on it, and maybe feel guilty. He never does, he always tells me i am being a bitch, and i need to stop, he won't put up with it. It is really bad though because we have a family, and I really want thing to stay as they are, but at the same time I really want to rip into him about it. I feel like I am waiting until he actually cheats, to tear into him, when I really don't want that to happen. He is very private with his phone, and deletes most messages immediately. Anyone know a easy way to recover, or track texts? ??? ??? I am obsessing unfortunately, and this is driving me crazy!

 

[hopefulgal]

Oh, wow, I just saw how old you are! Very true, you are definitey wise beyond your years!!!

 

[BustyBabe]

Why don't you just talk to him? Hinting isn't going to do the job, and he's not going to know what the real issue is if you get angry without telling him why. If you just have a calm, frank, conversation with him things might get better.

In any case, it doesn't sound like he treats you right at all. You deserve better! Nothing will get better if you ignore what's been happening.

You say you want to wait until he "actually cheats," but I would say what he's already doing is a form of it.

 

[theredpill]

Well, I have some experience with the same problem. My ex, whom I adored very much, was a compulsive liar and an eventual cheater. I know how painful this experience is for you. When I found out he was emailing with another woman, I didn't tell him I read his emails, but eventually it was obvious he was infatuated with someone else. When I confronted him, he lied and denied it, then changed his email password. During this whole time he acted like a loving, caring husband, but eventually he really did cheat for real, and from then it spiraled into multiple affairs. It was as if he felt more confident after the first time he got away with cheating, that he just kept on going for more.

I was so in love with him, that I wanted nothing more then to preserve the marriage. I put up with a lot of pain, but also I lost a lot of respect for myself. Eventually, he divorced me stating that he didn't love me any more. This was after 12 years of marriage and the height of my love for him. I hate to tell you this, and I really hate to make you feel worse than you already feel, but if a man wants to cheat, he will, and there's nothing you can do about it. Sounds to me like you married a dishonest person to whom self-gratification is more important than the sanctity of marriage.

I can't tell you what to do, but I want to give you some advice. The biggest lesson I learned from this experience is to be true to myself. I wish I hadn't compromised my goals, my career, my ethics and my self-respect for his benefit. I lost myself in that marriage, and when I was finally left alone, I no longer had any idea who I am as a person. It has taken me years to get back in touch with myself. Sometimes when we fall in love, we do so blindly. We believe in love so much, that we look the other way when something isn't right.

Before you convince yourself that he will change (no, he'll only learn to lie better), take some time and think about what you want. What is best for you and the children. In the end, the choice may not even be yours.

Sorry, I don't mean to throw oil into your fire, I just wanted to let you know you have every right to be angry, and to expect better.

xo

 

[hopefulgal]

Thanks so much for your advice. I did try to talk to him about it, I just couldn't take it anymore. Now I really don't know what to do, he blatantly lied to my face about it. He asked me since when did I become a sleuth, and denied anything. His claim is that his friends hacked into his stuff. Unbelievable. I guess I have to accept that he has very wondering eyes, and thoughts. I do feel sure he hasn't physically done anything with this girl, he hasn't had anytime alone with her. I guess if the jerk feels the need to flirt behind my back, I really can't do anything about it. It does bother me though, i feel kind of sick about it. He is good to me, it's just knowing that he does this, I don't feel like its right. I don't want our marriage to end, so I'm gonna just have to deal with it I guess. Thank you again for all the advice.

 

[HappyFunSaks]

I feel like we are sharing the same person. I am engaged, not married. He has been doing the same type of things behind my back for our entire 6 year relationship. I have found texts, pics, numbers and he even had the audacity to tell me he hadn't cheated on me in 2 years. That was a MAJOR slip up during an argument. He said he got his numbers mixed up. How the hell do you do that? That came out last year after I caught him on FB telling some skank she had him hunh like a horsecock. I mean really, WTF.!! NOW every time we argue I'm a bitch, he's sick of this shit, he's gonna move out,and my all time favorite, why don't i go get a new boyfriend. He's still here though. He always stays out when he tells me he will only be an going to be an hour. He is also vert protective of his phone and takes everywhere, including hiding it at night. We share a 4yr old and each have one other child. I guess he's good to me as far as money, and staying home, except when he decide to go out. He is always on his phone texting and he takes lots of pics of his manhood. He no longer sends them to me so they must be for someone else.

 

[hopefulgal]

HappyFunSaks, (cute name!) I am sorry to hear what you are putting up with! I don't know why some men feel the need to do this crap. Why even bother with a relationship is what I have to wonder? I don't think I'm much of one to give advice on this, my decisions aren't the strongest on dealing with such issues. The good thing for you is at least you aren't bound by marriage. It is hard when you have kids though, and since you have children together, that makes breaking up more difficult, this I know. Have you ever thought about finding someone else, and pulling the same crap on him, behind his back? LOL This has become a sort of fantasy of mine, as a sort of revenge, lol, but I definitely don't have it in me to do such :-\

 

[HappyFunSaks]

Hopefulgal, how funny that we would plot the same revenge.
I think all women would feel the same. I've had a plan for about a year now.
Ever since the FB incident, I can't go through with though
I am more loyal than he thinks or will ever know. I am so sick of his cheating tendencys but I have no CONCRETE, hand in the cookies proof. Sad that I don't trust instinct. The fact that he constantly accuses me piled on top of my other detective work tells me more than he will ever confess. Hopefulgal, we need to man up instead of waiting to catch them with their dick out or catch a STD.

 

[theredpill]

Girls,

from past experience (I am still recovering from my divorce to a compulsive liar and cheater), I have learned two things.
Psychopaths (don't be fooled to think they are not) cannot love in a genuine way. They can only need you and want you.
As long as you are useful to them (you are caring, giving, providing, meeting their ego/financial/security needs) they will keep you around.
But as soon as another unsuspecting woman who meets their criteria a little better, they will dump you like a hot potato, and you'll
suddenly become the enemy, the woman who ruined his life.

My ex was the most loving, caring and giving husband of 12 years. My family adored him and my girlfriends were jealous of his
attentiveness toward me. I knew he was a compulsive liar, who texted/emailed with other women, but stayed blind to the fact that
he was actually cheating on me. I never thought that could happen. It did.

Also, there is nothing you can do to prevent that, so don't beat yourselves up thinking you are doing something wrong and not meeting his needs. He will cheat because he wants to cheat, not because a woman is tempting him, or because you are inadequate. Cheating is an ego boost for him, and what man doesn't need his ego stroked.

I can't tell you girls what to do, but here is what I wished I had done: I wish that I had focused on myself while married and not on him. I wish I advanced my career instead of furthering his out of love and adoration. I would be much better off now. I wish I remained true to myself. Cheating was not something I ever condoned, but started ignoring because I loved him and wanted to remain married to him. I wish I had the strength to leave instead of waiting for him to dump me on our 12th wedding anniversary. He did so after giving me the best anniversary vacation of my life.

The men we are with are not normal men. They have no feelings, love, or empathy. They don't care that you know they are cheating. They feel entitled to it. As long as you keep looking the other way, you are taking a huge risk. Take it from me, I lost everything. He took my money, my home, my confidence and my self-respect. I know now that I am much better off without him, and I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT HE DUMPED ME! I am finally free of a cancer that was eating me alive.

Wishing you both strength, courage, but most of all, your self-respect!

 

[HappyFunSaks]

HFG, how are things going? I'm still hanging in there. :-\ I dont really knw why. I cried tonite after sex, yeah sex. We have never ever made love, I guess you can't if u dont love each other. Every single time it's like porno sex. It was great in the beginning but we are way pass that. Just once I would like him to kiss me, get my heart to flutter, anticipate something. i know the first, second, and third thing thats going to take place. i thought we broke up today, I was starting to feel relief after my anger subsided. Then he came back and so did the anger. He must have realized he would have to care for his other kid by himself. we make each other miserable, so why don't we just end it? Why keep wasting each others time? I'm ready to be happy

 

[James]

Thought I'd add my two cents. My marriage was a disaster too, but not as bad as many of you girls seem to go through. We had arguments where I was falsely accused and when I tried to defend myself she just insisted I was lying. I stayed in the relationship many years longer than I liked because I didn't want to leave my children. When I felt the youngest was old enough to understand I finally moved out.

hopefulgal, I am not clear on if you have children, if not then it is much easier to leave. In our society, the women automatically get custody of the children, so if you have children, at least you won't have to give them up. You should also expect to get half of all the family assets and on-going support from your husband. It is possible to do it without a lawyer if you feel you cannot afford one. I am presently battling it out with my ex in court over details, and have spent very little money on a lawyer for occasional advice.

HFS, it is much more difficult with children, but as I said above, you would most likely be able to be the prime person for your joint child.

Try to make a relationship work, be open and honest about problems. But if it doesn't work then get out. It's hard on you, and it is hard on the children.

 

[JaniMouse]

so why don't we just end it?

used to each other, much time you dont want to just throw away, also experienced beautiful things,
hopefully it could be again as it was, there are still beautiful moments, fear to be alone, anxious to find any other,
overindulgent...


Just my experience why i had allways problems to end bad relationships,but I've changed my attitude.
I dont like to be hard like this to guys, but no mercy ... never ever again i want to be in hell.

 

[SydKait]

Wow.....
I actually just found out about week ago that my boyfriend of one year has been chatting with girls online in an inappropriate way. He is no longer my boyfriend. Unfortunately I currently live with him and I cant move out quite yet. So now we are just roommates.
Cheating is cheating, Dont let other people tell you how to feel or how to define that. If it made you uncomfortable, it was wrong. Snooping or not.
You really do deserve better. Your not being uppity or too jealous.

God im pissed all over again.

Im so sorry this happened to you.

 

[HappyFunSaks]

James, thanks for your two cents, any other guys want to drop their two cents in? This relationship has consumed me. I have no friends, I only go to family and work functions. He's the only thing I talkabout, besides the kids and dogs. He is white, I'm black, so I really feel he's ashamed or something. Being together in public is ridiculous, no touching ever.just walk side by side.thats only if I'm not running to catch up cause he walks in front of me most of the time. If we do go out you'd think we just met. He never puts his arm around me or kisses me. The thing that got us going yesterday, long red hairs in the front and rear carpet in his car. Yep, I look that close, thats how I know they weren't there before. He gave the line "if i was hanging out with someone else, iwouldnt be here". It took me 10 years before I dropped the last loser I was with, I need to get it together in the next year. I can't do this for 4 more.

 

[JaniMouse]

That must be really hurting you

Sounds unaceptable to me, realy strange. I wish you all the best
to turn your life in a better situation.

Feel you hugged from me, even if it's only a virtual hug.

 

[BustyBabe]

James, thanks for your two cents, any other guys want to drop their two cents in? This relationship has consumed me. I have no friends, I only go to family and work functions. He's the only thing I talkabout, besides the kids and dogs. He is white, I'm black, so I really feel he's ashamed or something. Being together in public is ridiculous, no touching ever.just walk side by side.thats only if I'm not running to catch up cause he walks in front of me most of the time. If we do go out you'd think we just met. He never puts his arm around me or kisses me. The thing that got us going yesterday, long red hairs in the front and rear carpet in his car. Yep, I look that close, thats how I know they weren't there before. He gave the line "if i was hanging out with someone else, iwouldnt be here". It took me 10 years before I dropped the last loser I was with, I need to get it together in the next year. I can't do this for 4 more.

I'm not a guy, but I would say GET OUT NOW! He's obviously not what you want. Don't you deserve happiness? You could be with someone who actually treats you right instead of being with someone who makes you cry at night.

I know you have a kid together, and that obviously makes things harder. But I don't see that as a good reason to stay together. Even if living together makes a "complete" household for the children, I don't see how it could be a happy one.

Your kids are going to learn from your actions. Do you want them to think it's ok to be treated like this? Do you want them to think that this is what relationships are supposed to be like? Would you want to see them unhappy in unfulfilling relationships?

At the very least, even if you have to LIVE together (for financial reasons or whatever else), that doesn't mean you have to BE together.