Insecurities

[hopefulgurl]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years now. When we first started dating a whole lot of things happened which caused me to no longer trust him and feel as if he was not attracted to me. I found out during the 1st year that he watched porned. I explained to him that when he looked at women who weigh 100lbs and have size 32F boobs it really hurts me as I am insecure about my body. I wouldnt mind it as much if he looked at women shaped more like me. But he doesnt. He promised he wouldnt look at anything anymore. But since then, he has over and over again. Every time he says he wont do it again. But I know he will. He just recently did it again and we have had a huge argument. I feel that either I need to get over this feeling of jealousy, he needs to actually stop looking or we need to breakup. Because of how our relationship started I find it hard to believe he thinks I am pretty, add the porn to this, it destroys me inside. I feel that he looks at it because he is unsatisfied with my body, that he wishes he was with them?
I was wondering if anyone on here had any advice?

 

[booler]

Hopefulgirl,
There are countless very good reasons why you might have problems with your bf watching porn. I am also concerned that he not being honest with you.
That being said, I actually don't think his watching porn means he is unhappy with you, your relationship, or your body. Porn can be terribly addicting, especially to men. They are visually stimulated.
But most men are able to separate the fantasy from reality. Although it is a stretch, let's compare men and porn with women and love stories. We can enjoy a good Danielle Steele novel about the handsome stranger stealing our hearts with unparalleled romance, and we may secretly wish for it, but we know in real life men are flawed. We may enjoy the fantasy, but we know it's a fantasy.
Porn producers provide what the industry considers "eye candy". Odds are, your bf would be just as happy watching porn featuring real women with real figures, as long as the women were generally attractive. Heck, we even want our news anchors to be easy on the eyes.
If your issue is with the "actresses", find him some porn with real women. I'll bet dimes to donuts he would be just as interested. If your issue is with his watching porn at all, I recommend you visit, and invite him to visit, www.xxxchurch.com. It is a christian website dedicated to helping addicts recognize the danger in this habit, and helping them stop.
Our minister recently gave several sermons on this very subject.
I think some men can handle porn in moderation, like some can handle gambling and and alcohol in moderation. But if he is not able to stop watching even tho it hurts you, that is concerning. His dishonesty on the subject may be because he doesn't acknowledge it is a problem, or he is embarrassed. He may still be a very good man if he has been completely faithful to you. There are support forums on xxxchurch.com as well. You may want to check them out for advice on how to help him see how his actions are hurting you.
Best wishes,
Booler

 

[daylight]

okay so...

i can't really comment on watching porn but i can give you proof that its the way these idiots in media portray women

okay so recently my bf calls me in the mornin and says oh guess what there is a contravercial on facebook (im sure u have heard) that boobs and a mother feeding her baby

hes like its funny i have never thought of a boob in this context of just breast feeding...it is so not sexsually attractive...like when he looks at it he just thinks of it as awwwwwwwwwwwwwww....

so i told him yes those are what breasts main purpose our and told him in africa women are without thier shirts and they think that portraying boobs as a sexsual thing is something to laugh about....



so umm ya..its all media....ina way you really cant blame the guy for thinking this way...i suggest putting some nursing pics in u're room when he is there lol...


or ya..like said b4 put regular pics of girls...

but personaly speaking i know another person who has the same problem too...and its normal for you to feel this way because he and my bf discussed this..that after you are intimate with u're guy a guy shouldnt naturally be watching porn unless you leave him without sex for a long time becuase u were away....but if he is intimate wiht you on a regular basis you should mind him watching porn....but i don't know a lot about this topic but i am just teling you wat i have read in articals and discussions...

i hope this helps hun and i know what you must be feeling because it is a very sensitive topic and you have no reason to feelt hat you should not be insecure about it...because its normal to be...

i am sure other people have a lot to say about his too...and different opinions

 

[janonthemtn]

Hello All,

PORN: What woman thinks, I can't wait until my little girl grows up and can have a

spread in Hustler! Why would a young woman open herself up to disease, violence,

and shallow relationships? Oh, that's right, the money is great and for such a short

'workday' Men say, (my husband included)" They are adults, no one is forcing them to

do this." Where do you think the money that is generated by porn goes? It funds the

drug trade, child sex rings and on and on, nothing good. (yes, there is the

occasional women that funds her college education selling herself one way or

another. I think long term, that will show a negative effect in her life.) I believe it

has a negative effect more frequently on relationships. I know there will be women

that may believe it helps their relationships. I think it's more like women think they

must agree to it or their guy will use it on their own anyway one way or another.

I know I have very negative opinions about this subject, but as a nurse, woman,

and mother I do not want my daughters used in this way by men. I work in the

prison system, and I can see women that have used their bodies in this way,

and after years it is not a pretty sight. I must make this point, and I include myself,

what are we doing here? We want our guy to look at us, enjoy us, love us.

just one woman's opinion

 

[dilbutt2000]

Porn to me means TV / Billboards and all other media as well as the internet based versions. I can understand why a woman would feel un-comfortable with her man looking at porn but at the same time is it not safer then having him cheat on you or is it cheating?

My father always had a subscription to Playboy since the first issue. Now my father never cheated on my mom and nor would he. He liked looking at women and as said from the previous poster men are visually stimulated. My mom never had a problem with this and times would read them with him.

So the question comes is it wrong for a man to look at other women I.E Normal media or internet based. I can agree that some people man and women can take things too far

In reality I think if you spent some time with him and maybe even looked at it with him not to be weird but more of an accepting move then maybe he would not feel the need to lie. Do you think he would have a problem with you looking at other men? If so then there is a problem as it has to be equal on both sides.

Communication is the most important issue in a relationship and him getting caught is the worst for him and you. Maybe a small talk not a aggressive but more like I understand your need to look but is there something that is missing that we can do together. Spice it up..

He will still want to look at even if you are making it ten times a day.. Men are driven.

There are concerns if he was looking at child or abusive pictures then I would be very concerned.

Overall there is sex in the media, sporting events and so on. Just need to communicate more.

I think if he is going out or never home and the lies start then you really have an issue but him looking at women on the net not big one. But have a good talk but not aggressive as then he will shut down and be afraid to tell you anything..


Tracy

 

[wannabecee]

guys are into the visual part of sex.every single one of them. that's the way they are. if you think he's not looking at porn, guess again....
BUT we ladies have our own stuff - the romantic chick flicks, trashy novels, fantasizing about male actors, Cosmo magazine, etc. that is our equivalent of "porn". it's nowhere as graphic -we're not like that for the most part - but it does connect to our sexual fantasies and that's what we really find objectionable when our guy is looking at this stuff.

how to deal w your man's porn habit? easy...ignore it! give him his space. stop controlling him. he doesn't want to hear about insecurities. yeah - the girls don't look like you or most women, but in the end - he's with YOU, right???

so unless the porn is illegal, or he is addicted to it or if it's gay porn and you aren't cool w that..just keep your distance. guys don't like insecurity and clingy behavior.

 

[blue_sardine]

This is a trust issue, and you'll never solve it with him. Believe me on that. It doesn't matter if women have their "equivalents" (and for the record, I don't read romance, watch chick flicks or read women's magazines, as they make me feel totally brain dead), you shouldn't need to console yourself with the thought "Oh well, I have my --insert lame women's thing here--, he can have his porn!" No way.

I'm very visual when it comes to sex, I watch men, and I watch porn, but I'd never disrespect a partner like yours disrespects you. If that's the kind of woman he likes to masturbate to, then he's not as interested in your body type as he should be. I've had partners who said they loved athletic women with small breasts, and when I found their porn, guess what - it was mostly of athletic women with small breasts! If it had all been women with the opposite figures to mine (ie, skinny with big breasts), how could I make love to him and feel like anything other than a cum-depository that he uses while wishing I looked more "ideal"? That's poison, man. Total poison. Don't make excuses for him. Don't go "oh, all guys this or all guys that, I just have to accept it". Before being men and women, we are all humans who are in control of our behaviours and are meant to treasure and protect the feelings of the ones we love, and he's a human who doesn't respect you. Period.

If porn is impacting your self-esteem and he doesn't care enough about the person he loves to stop looking at videos of busty sluts having sex, then what have you really got?? That's a psychologically abusive situation, and I think you know it. Get out of it. You can do better.

 

[lisads]

blue sardine,

i think we are one in the same people. you are such a strong individual , i love your breakdown and look on life. i'd give you a karma point, but i don't know how... 8)

 

[blue_sardine]

Aww! Thanks, lisads!

I hope I wasn't too abrasive in the above post - this is just something I feel strongly about, and I'm not into excusing damaging behaviour in relationships.

 

[Anastasia916]

Okay, I been married 2 years this saturday and I'm in a very open relationship (not open in the sense that we swing lol), but open in the sense that we share with one another. Now, before life got really busy recently, hubby and I use to watch porn TOGETHER!!! That's right, you heard me lol. I like porn, but not the mainstream, big fake boobed skinny stick getting fucked by an ugly guy lol. I like anime porn (so does hubby) dunno why I like the animation, and it feeds fantasy more so than watching real people I guess. We actually have sex while watching porn, though most the time it ends up we just have sex in front of a mirror and watch each other LOL. Now when it comes to real people porn, I like various things, I like REAL women and REAL men, but attractive ones. I don't like fake boobed women, they are gross (I'm bisexual) and hubby doesn't like them either!!! He has NO porn with fake boobed women. Most all his porn is of women with natural size B to small D's. He is more of an ass man, most his porn, is you guessed it, big butts and anal! He doesn't have the degrading women type, but rather the type that revolves around pleasing the female, then the male. He likes to see women have orgasms, that's what gets his rocks off. Now, I'm bi, I like gay and lesbian porn as well, he likes lesbian porn so we watch that together, I don't care too much for some of the stuff he's into like fisting, I just don't find it appealing, but he does. I don't get mad at him if he watches that, he doesn't get mad at me if I watch two hot hunks bang each other lol. He has pics of females on his ipod of various body types as far as tall, short, blonde, brunette, etc. etc. but they all have ONE thing in common, nice butts, size B to small D boobs, natural breasts and flat tummies. And most are petite like me. So I do agree that if a man says he's into one type and he has everything else saying the opposite as far as pics and porn, then the odds are that he's lying. Sorry for being blunt here or too graphic lol but I think this needs to be discussed openly with an open mind. Now I've asked my hubby if he has the different women's pics because he's not happy with me, he said no, that he just appreciates the beauty of different women (and no none of the pics on his ipod are sexual!!! 98% are fully clothed!!!) he likes blondes, brunettes, some redheads, etc. he likes white girls, light skinned black, hispanic, some asian (ass man so he's picky there), he likes tall, short, etc. and most of the pics are celebrities so I don't get jealous too much lol just jealous of the no stretch marks and flat tummies but a lil more exercise and I'll have the flat tummy dammit. Point is, I wouldn't see this as a problem if he wasn't hiding it, my hubby DOESN'T hide it. He is open about it. He looks at other females who are attractive to him, but doesn't touch. I look at other males but go to bed with him. And for the record I HATE chick flicks, HATE romance novels, etc. They are too mushy for me lol I don't want some fake fantasy, I want what's real, so does my hubby. Most his porn is either anime or amateur meaning real people. Oh and he gets playboys, they are in our bedroom lol, and in the "adult" bathroom. Makes good toilet reading material lol. I like the jokes in them, don't find most the females attractive cause of the fake boobs, and I don't like bleached blonde hair much, depends. I hope this gives you another perspective and real relationship to go by to make you feel better. But I agree with the others it seems he doesn't really care about you and you deserve better!!!

 

[amelie]

Anime porn? I never heard about that, I must be getting old, haha.
But seriously, I agree with Anastasia that it can be interesting to watch porn together with your boyfriend, nothing wrong about that and it can be stimulating.

As for your concern, I think you need to adress your insecurities first before looking at your bf´s behaviour. If you didn´t have doubts about your body you probably wouldn´t mind at all if you knew that he likes to look at other women in magazines, internet or whatever. (The good thing about porn is that those women are completely fake and guys know that. It is just a fantasy world for them, just like it is totally unrealistic for someone to invite the milkman in and start to take her clothes off without even having a decent conversation first. You know how those plots go, they´re completely absurd.)

When you´re in a relationship, it is very easy to expect the other person to fulfill certain needs, like your self-esteem. So you start to think "oh, I must be great and beautiful because so-and-so is in love with me". But you can never have your selfesteem outside of yourself! That will only make you insecure, because the other person can always break up with you. (Or he starts to look at porn... anyway you get the picture.) So then you will cling to him and start doing things you do not really want to do, or accept things you do not like, just so he will not leave you. Believe me, you don´t need that. The whole relationship would only amount to a lot of work for you in the end, and not much satisfaction.
The thing is, you can only feel secure when you value yourself, not someone else.

I´m not saying to ditch your boyfriend or whatever, I just think it would be good for you to try to find out why you´re being harsh with your self image. This may sound cliché but you really have to be your own best friend, no one can protect you from yourself if you´re set on finding yourself lacking in worth.
You mention the way your relationship started has made you insecure, maybe you need to think that over. What was it that made you feel uncomfortable? Perhaps he didn´t pursue you enough? Or maybe something happened that you need to talk out with him.

The thing is, I think you always have to behave very secure with men, even if you don´t feel like it. Just pretend you´re this wonderful, attractive woman that any man would die for. In time, you will start to feel very attractive and notice that men treat you accordingly - and if there are guys who don´t, you won´t notice them. So don´t put yourself in a position that you´re asking someone to treat you a certain way - don´t threat, complain, cry, whine. Just tell yourself "I don´t deserve less that the best" and you´ll see how empowered you´ll start to feel. And that is always very attractive.

 

[Anastasia916]

Amelie, yep anime porn you should go get some, some of it is hilarious

 

[thabai]

haha hentai it's quit funny.... wouldn't call it erotic though :-\
Hmm don't really know what to say about this one... maybe you should try watching it together so you can see what it's like and try and get him to talk about what he likes about it. If it then comes out that he is in larger women then at least you'll know what to do

 

[Anastasia916]

Thabai, exactly, it's not really erotic, but like I said before I HATE chick flicks and romance novels, so you'd have to understand me more and him. We kind of treat life like a big playground and we joke and play around ALL the time, heck if you haven't noticed even when irritated (wouldn't say I was mad lol, that's hard to accomplish with me) I was joking around the entire time. We joke around even during intimate times, and it's just how we are. Just last night... we were going to do foreplay and as he was going to go down south... he said in a cookie monster voice "mmm...yummy cookie for cookie monster... me like ta munch da cookie" and it's just funny as hell, and we both laugh but both still get in the mood at the same time where others probably couldn't. Heck our first kiss was joking around! I kid you not! We were jokingly flirting, he said something playfully arguing and I said "oh yea? what you gonna do about it?" and he kissed me and said, "that" and then smirked, lol. He's a big kid pretty much but I love that about him. You gotta live life to the fullest, stop worrying all the time and just let free, and that's what we do. Hope that helps you understand us better the crazy couple that is lol

 

[tavia]

my hubby watchs it sometimes and i dont mind, hell i sometimes watch it when it online, but he loves me and i love him...
alot of the time its not even about what they look like in the vid its just the ACT of what they are doing, once its done its done,



hmm this gets me very happy.... not porn but still nice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaYeRnGHeXc&feature=related

go to 3.24 mins ooo lordy lord

 

[tavia]

oh sorry if it offends any 1, ill delete it if it does...

i just think women need there own eye candy some times. BUT....if that guy in the vid showed up on my door step and said come out with me ...ID RUN A MILE

IM SURE YOUR BOYFRIEND WOULD DO THE SAME OR SOMETHING SIMILAR.... HES WITH U SUGER

 

[thabai]

LMAO! Hmm is he classed as belly dancing? Thats some good belly movement hes got haha : sorry if I ruined this threat with that comment btw because it's kinda off the subject hehe..

 

[tavia]

hehe thaibai its hip rolling, there lots of vids on you tube, male and female, its really good for the waist ...



im just trying to chear up hopefulgurl she seems so down, i remember when i was going through bad times like that, being cheated on and treated like crap but ive come to realise that its not me its them and im so much better than that.

hopefulgurl..... how r u feeling about yor boyfriend now, hows things going??? hope u liked the clip, or hope it made u laugh if anything x men egh :!!

 

[FaithnLove]

TT, that was so hot!!! lol I wants.

The porn thing always seems to spring up at some point. But then again, I think relationships bring out a lot of things we may have hidden in the cellar. Like the title of this thread, "Insecurities". Or baggage that we may not have dealt with or resolved on our own. Then you step into a relationship and all of sudden those things start to unfold and magnify. You can A) feed your habit of responding the way you have done for years (getting angry, jealous etc.) or B) take a moment to still your thoughts and get to the root of what is ailing you. Usually it is fear. Well. I'd say all of it comes down to fear. But yeah, I actually used to be a very jealous gf. Sometimes the green monster comes through to this day, but the min I recognize that is what it is - I stop whatever I am doing and lay down if I can, or sit down and close my eyes. There is this book I read called "Anger" by Thich Naht Hanh - he talks about using mindfulness as a tool. This can be applied to anger, jealousy, resentment, etc. So let's say I'm super pissed about something, usually irrevelant in the grand scheme of things, I'll just let the emotion wash through me for awhile - or let it run its course but after awhile it starts to diminish and I start to actually feel LOVE. Its quite funny. I'm rambling though. I guess what I am trying to say here is ... Love or fear? Which route would you like to take?

 

[Anastasia916]

Faith, very well said and very deep! I like your avatar pic, I always liked those optical illusion type pics