Relationship advice - dating best friend?

[amelie]

Hello everyone
I´ve been best friends with this guy for about 14 years (longer than I´ve known my ex husband) and there´s always been attraction between us. I knew from the start that he was romantically interested in me but I just didn´t let things happen, probably because I was a little afraid of his intensity. But we´ve always had a very close friendship, even when we were both involved with other people. Anyway, he moved to another city about a month ago and suddenly I felt a terrible loss! I realized I wanted us to be more than friends. So I let him know this and he responded really romantically, and we´ve been chatting, texting, talking on the phone almost nonstop for the last week orso.
Things are getting really steamy and sexy!

But the thing is, I´ve never ever dated someone I was friends with, so I don´t know if these things can really work out. He isn´t the most stable of partners, and I´m afraid he´ll move on some day and then I´ll loose my friend as well!
Do any of you have experience dating someone you were friends with? Any advice or pitfalls I should look out for?
I think I´m not wondering whether to get involved with him or not, but HOW.
Thanks for any insights!

 

[Karmatrip]

Well I generally do not stick my nose into other peoples romantic affairs, espically with the crappy history that I have in that department but here goes.
I suggest that you have an open and thorough conversation with him to express yourself and go from there. If he realy is a friend then only good can come from the talk. If you two do decide to jump then success wont be guaranteed (depending on how you measure success).Finally, romantic adventures are always a thrill ride for good or bad, but keep in mind that (in my opinion) we get one chance at this life and it is better to live and die with the bitter sweet sorrow of loss than to live and die with the eternal second guessing and regret of "what if" :'(
Regardless of what you decide I wish you the best.

 

[amelie]

Thanks for commenting, Karmatrip! Actually I don´t mind people expressing their opinion because it helps me to gain some perspective. I guess I tend to be a bit impulsive in romantic matters and then I end up dissapointed and many times heartbroken. :'(

Of course you´re right that success isn´t guaranteed, I suppose I was assuming things would work out perfectly only because we´ve known each other for so long. But yeah, I´m also not into the whole "what if" thing, so I think I´ll just take it easy for now, and get things clear with him.

 

[Anatori]

Unfortunately i've been in this situation. I met my best firend while in high school. he was with someone and so was I. we weren't interested in each other. He moved to Iowa and over the years we have grown REALLY close. I was with him when he came out for a visit and got his heart broken, he has been with me through a couple breakups as a friend. His friends tell me we should date because he says he loves me and can't stop talking about me, whether drunk or not. I really like him and the last time he was out for a visit i wanted to hang out with him every second. Part of me wanted to try and see what would happen if we did date. But A) thats not a thought right now because the guy that i'm with is amazing. And thinking like that is bad for relationships. But even if i wasn't with my bf, I would be afraid of if we didnt make it, that I would lose him. I love him dearly and I want to be ther for him and make sure he's happy. And if that means keeping it a friendship, I'm ok with that. We talked about it. We know we have liked each other in romantic ways and admittedly still do to an extent. But we swore to each other that we wouldn't date. Neither one of us wants to risk losing the other.

In your case, definitely take it slow and like Karma said, talk to him. See what comes of it. If you do try, then i wish you the best of luck and I hope it leads to good things for the both of you. If you decide not to, or if it does not end well, I hope it doesnt ruin your friendship and that everything still works out for the best.

 

[amelie]

Anatori, what you describe sounds a lot like my situation. What a relief I´m not the only one, lol! I´ve always been happy to have this guy as a friend and I didn´t care when he was involved with someone else, I would even give him advice about girlfriends. It had never seriously crossed my mind to have something more with him, even when he hinted at it (I just kinda ignored those remarks). So it´s really weird that I´m feeling this way now! I can´t stand the thought of him being with some other girl and feel terribly romantic towards him. Arr, isn´t life confusing? Meanwhile I still get pissed off at him like he were some normal guy I´m friends with.
Anyway, thanks again for commenting and I´ll just take it slow, then.

 

[Lily13]

I think the cat's out of the bag already because you told him how you felt. I doubt things will be the same between you two again, so I say go for it! My husband and I were friends before we dated. We would talk about ppl we were seeing too. It was actually quite hilarious to hear about his dates haha. Then one night he told me he was highly attracted to me and wanted to start seeing me seriously. We were married less than 4 months later! So dating your friend isn't always a bad thing. :-*

 

[tatiana673]

Hello everyone
I´ve been best friends with this guy for about 14 years (longer than I´ve known my ex husband) and there´s always been attraction between us. I knew from the start that he was romantically interested in me but I just didn´t let things happen, probably because I was a little afraid of his intensity. But we´ve always had a very close friendship, even when we were both involved with other people. Anyway, he moved to another city about a month ago and suddenly I felt a terrible loss! I realized I wanted us to be more than friends. So I let him know this and he responded really romantically, and we´ve been chatting, texting, talking on the phone almost nonstop for the last week orso.
Things are getting really steamy and sexy!

But the thing is, I´ve never ever dated someone I was friends with, so I don´t know if these things can really work out. He isn´t the most stable of partners, and I´m afraid he´ll move on some day and then I´ll loose my friend as well!
Do any of you have experience dating someone you were friends with? Any advice or pitfalls I should look out for?
I think I´m not wondering whether to get involved with him or not, but HOW.
Thanks for any insights!

I am dating also my best friend and everything is getting very serious and I love him and he loves me and I have never felt better. dont hesitate or anything!!! go for it, I am sure you will be happy,, you both have feelings for each other

 

[jnorton22002]

hi there,

I truly feel the only meter you need is your heart. If you worry about this person all the time and have thoughts about this person in a love type relationship, then you should go for it. When we are young, it is good to have relationships as this helps young adults learn wgo the RIGHT love IS. Without taking the chance you may never know. Don't worry honey about what if's right now. If you feel you love this person, or could, then you owe it to yourself to try. You may be come the happiest person ever Hugs hun Mama J :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

 

[amelie]

Thank you all of you lovely well-wishers! :-* :-*

I´m certainly going to give this a try and not worry about it anymore. It is a bit strange that the roles have changed now (before it was almost as if we were two guys) but I don´t think it´s possible to get back to how things were before.
take care everyone! :-* :-* :-*

 

[ashley1986ann]

I think it will all work out. You both where best friends and now it seems you both want more then just friends. You both know etcher. Your goods, bads. And that takes time with a person your jusr seem or dating. So i think this will be good in the long run. Your never going to know in less you give it a try.

 

[secret]

I would say no, unless you know he is the one. You dont want to kill a great friendship like this if things dont go so well, its going to be awkward at the end. Only date him if you really really like him as you cant find anyone else better than him. Feelings does develop over time especially best friends.

I have friends who dated not too long, and because they have the same circle of friends its hard to avoid each other. They just ended up seating opposite sides and not talk..

Dont take my advice seriously , because different people have different experiences. Its just most of my friends didnt work out.

 

[eva_bs]

Amelie,
Only now I saw this thread!
O.k. my opinion is GO for it! Once a pone a time...I had this best friend EVER!!! I could talk with him for hours and hours...non stop!!! He was a very very very....interesting guy!!! I first meet him when I was 14 years old...and I already loved someone really bad!!!! So my best friend knew about it... I told him everything about the one I loved. sometimes I came crying to me best friend because the one that I loved didn't pay attention at me....silly....but I was young! so...we were best friends...oooo by the way he was 6 years older than me. One day it hit me! Around the age of 17 I suddenly understood that my best friends had feelings to me... he LOVED me!!! Gosh!!! I was so stupid!!!! I was so afraid that I will hurt him... I told him that I was that he will find a girlfriend that will make him happy! I tried to avoid situations that wont make him love me more. he was really miserable because of me. I really loved the other guy...and I didn't see myself ever with my best friend....everytime that someone said to me that I need to try dating with him... I was like bbbbbbllllllaaaaa..... I can't imagine me touching him...even kiss him...nothing!!! He was too good to lose!!!!! So I just continued to be best friends with him. I knew he wanted much more than that. but one day I think that he understood that our relation ship wont go further than best friends. so he started to look for women... and I really didn't care because I always wished for him that he will find his woman!!! And then........
when I was at the age 18-19 he met someone... He told me that he is going to work in a different contry. At that time I didn't know that he met a woman...he didn't tell me about it. so I didn't want to go and tell him goodbye because I knew that he will comeback soon and I also didn't want to make our situation worse! So he left...
And about a month or two after he left I asked his sister if he is seeing someone. and she said yes!!!
At that moment....my heart fell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was happy for him! I really was!!! but why?? why didn't he tell me that?! I shard with him everything about my life...and he couldn't share with me that he found someone?! that Brock my heart!!! I tried to contact him and one day he wrote to me..and he sent his phone number...so I called...and this woman answers the phone....and I am like "Hi...can I please have _____ (my best friends name)?" and she was like "one moment" after a few days I called him again...and he said to me that I can't call him anymore and that it wasn't nice of me to talk to her like that. he said to me that i should have tell her "Hi..My name is ____ and I am a friend of ___ (my best friends name) can I please talk to him?" - I was like Sh*t! why should I ask her something...I don't know who she is!!! that really pissed me off... then.... I realized that I can't talk with him anymore till he will comeback to our contry. I found my self with my heart broken! I lost my best friend! I cried for months. then one day he came back... surprise surprise...it was on my birthday (no...he didn't make a surprise for me but he came back) then I really really wanted to see him and catch up with him... only after a few days we finally met again. I was in a relation ship with the guy that I loved since I was 14 years old. but I couldn't help myself and I wanted to let my best friend know that I don't want to lose him!!!! He is too important to me. I told him that I want to still be best friends with him...and that I am truly happy for him that he found someone. He said to me that he also doesn't want to ever lose me too...but..... DAM IT!!!! BUT!!!!!!!!! now he doesn't know what to do because that woman doesn't want him to talk with me.... He said to me that I am a great person and it's will be a pitty for him to lose me too!
After a couple of months he left to a different area to live with that woman (DAM HER!!!). I didn't call him or anything....and after a few months I wanted to catch up with him! I also had a dream about him...so I wanted to talk...so I called!!! What a HUGE misstake!!! At first he didn't answer...then after a few minutes I see on my phone that he is calling me back. I was happy and answered the phone with a smile! and then he talked....
He said to me.... "Listen....don't EVER all me again!!! don't send me any emails (never mind that I never sent him Emails) don't send me SMS's! Nothing!" I started to cry...I felt like some hit me!! I could hardly talk.... I cried like a baby on the phone...I wanted to ask him a lot of things and he didn't let me...he said..." you have the opportunity to say nice goodbye to me now...otherwise I will hangup on you and you will lose that one time opportunity"....I was like "but wait!!! wait!!! why?! why?" and he said are you taking the opportunity or not?! So I told him that I really enjoyed our relationship and that I wish him only good in his life! and that I hope that he will find his happines! and I hanged up on his face...ooo...when he said to me that he will hang up on me he said that he has no problem with that and that he will sleep very good at night! (yeah right! - maybe the opposite was true) after I hanged up on him.... I cried...and cried...I couldn't talk with anyone!!! My heart was really really broken...and who brooked it?! my best friend ever!!!! :'(
I sent him an SMS that I don't know what that B**ch did to him...and that he is a really mean person now...suddenly
My phone rang again...and it was him again...so I answered and on the other side was that woman!!! she said to me that first of all she is a good person and also ____ (my bestfriend) and maybe somewere I am too..also she said that she isn't a B**ch. she said to me that I can't call, send SMS's or Email him ever again...otherwise she will involve the police! I asked her what would she do if someone would ask her to bury one of her bestfriends when he is still breathing?! she said that she would have done it! (yeah right!!! lier!) so I said o.k....and I asked her if I can now say a nice goodbye from my bestfriend and she said NO!
I found myself broken for a few good months....maybe even years....I don't remember...I just remember that it was a LONG time!!!
Now I see him once in a while...but he never says "Hi" to me or anything!!! by the way...he got married with that woman!!!
I am married to the guy I loved when I was 14 I know that it may sound weird...but sometimes I wonder how it could have been with my bestfriend....Sometimes I regret that I didn't give it a try...but everything happens for a reason...and maybe it is better that way!!!! But I still wonder....
o.k....sorry for my long post... I just wanted to let you know that you should...
GO FOR IT!!! You have nothing to lose!!! And if things wont go with you too...then at least you wont live your life with regreets!!! and at least you know that you tried!!!
Good Luck dear!!!
And please let us know what happened!!!!

 

[amelie]

Oh Eva_bs, that´s so sad! I can´t understand why your friend would behave that way, but then I guess people are sometimes just plain weird!! I´m really sorry you had to go through all that, though.

As for my story, things are going wonderful, I´m very very happy. Perhaps it has been going a bit slow for my taste but I have been so "difficult" with him in the past that it´s probably normal that he needed some time to get used to the idea that I really want to be with him and not with someone else. It´s a bit like in the film "Walk the line", when Joaquin Phoenix would insist on being with Reese Witherspoon and she was all evasive about it, but still being close friends with him.
But now everything is going beautifully, he´s just the sweetest, sexiest guy and I feel I don´t have to pretend I´m someone better or whatever when I´m with him. Sometimes I think things worked out this way now because we´re a bit older (we´re both 39), when we first met we were about 24 and a bit afraid of emotionally intimate relationships - at least I know I was. So there´s good news for all of you youngsters: some things do get easier with age, haha!

 

[eva_bs]

oooo... I am sooooo HAPPY for you!!!! I am happy that everything turned out to be great for you both!!!!! You made me HAPPY!
I hope that my best friend eats his heart every day because of the way he treated me!
Now I am o.k. with what happened...everything happens for a reason.... right?

 

[hotchocl8]

;D ;D

I wish you all the best, but I was in the same situation a few years ago where me and my best friend were romantically involved. we dated a while until we both realised that maybe we were better off as friends. but it's good to see that things are working great for y'all.

;D ;D ;D

hotchocl8

 

[Lily13]

Eva I have a similar story too, but I am not comfortable talking about it. It still hurts a little too much even though I am happily married. Regrets are the worst things you could ever have in life and I think it is best to go all out because there is no redo or rewind button in life.

I'm so glad that Amelie that things are working out for you. Even if it doesn't work out forever, it seems like you are both happy now in this moment and that is great!

 

[eva_bs]

Oooo...I am sorry for you Lily 13. I hope that you will comlite with what happend...and that you will live your life without regrets!!!! We must be thankful with what we have!!! You can never really know if beening with your best friend could have been good for you.....just ENJOY your life and don't live in the past!!!! that's the best tip I can give you my dear!!!
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*